Dating

Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.

Isn’t it strange — when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

Dating a man is like flying a kite. You only need to know when to wind up the string or let it out.

Workshops and seminars are basically financial speed dating for clueless people.

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I don’t always know when someone is attracted to me, but when I do, it’s two years later.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea, I’m just no good at fishing.

Everybody knows the pressure of a first date: Searching for that perfect outfit. Hunting for ways to be engaging. Dissecting each detail when it’s over to check for mistakes. Dating can make even the most confident person lose his cool.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.

I don’t make mistakes…I date them.

When he said he lived in a gated community, I didn’t consider jail as one.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Online dating is like online shopping except you’re looking for people no one wants and it’s $50 a month.

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from.

I saw a beautiful couple working out together, and couldn’t help but hope that someday I’d find someone who will hate them with me someday.

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there aren’t many job interviews where you’ll wind up naked.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks” — Joan Rivers

“I think the thing to remember when you’re looking for true love is just keep your hopes up. ‘Cause you never know, you could round a corner and bump into Mr.

“I’m happy with my relationship status: I’m about to get married. I just don’t know to who yet

I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough. — Russell Brand

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? — Lily Tomlin

I’m dropping hints that I’m single. I’m single. — Kim Kardashian

“I wish there were an online dating website for people who hate online dating” — Unknown

I say I want to have sex with nobody. — Lisa Vanderpump

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend. — Lucy Liu

You wanna be a grown-*ss woman? Stop dating skaters. They’re sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside. — Ali Wong

There’s a difference between like and love. Because, I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack. Bianca from 10 Things I Hate About You

Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don’t know, a pair of cargo pants? — Leslie Knope

I already feel fed up with boys and I haven’t even had anything to do with them yet. — Georgia from Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

He was so good at texting but our real conversations vexed me. — The Prettiots

“One guy said he ‘used to be in a band’ I was like, ‘that’s not an occupation

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day — and another, in case it doesn’t rain. — Mae West

To find a prince, you gotta kiss some toads. — Foxy Brown

When choosing sexual partners, remember: Talent is not sexually transmittable. — Tina Fey

It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” —Whitney Cummings

Yeah, well that’s that low-cal, non-dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of… we save the real stuff for the truly terminal cases. —Rachel Green from Friends

“Irregardless! Ex-boyfriends are off-limits to friends. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. — Garry Shandling

My boyfriend eats gluten-free. Now I gotta eat all this bread that tastes like free-range Chewbacca.— Ali Wong

I was dating this guy and he thought he could tell that he liked me more because he actually spelled the word ‘you’ and I just put the letter ‘u.’— Kelly Osbourne

My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. — Jenny McCarthy

I love you, but I love me more. — Samantha Jones

True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part. — Mindy Kaling

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. — Will Ferrell

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. — Natasha Leggero