Divorce

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. ~ Mary Kay Blakely

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. ~ Unknown

My husband and I have never considered divorce. Murder sometimes, but never divorce. ~ Joyce Brothers

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage. ~ Robert Anderson

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. ~ P.J. O’Rourke

“Bad divorce?” Hardy asked, his gaze falling to my hands. I realized I was clutching my purse in a death grip. “No, the divorce was great,” I said. “It was the marriage that sucked.” ~ Lisa Kleypas, Blue-Eyed Devil

Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.~ Robin Williams

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table. ~ Jean Kerr

Divorces are made in heaven. ~ Oscar Wilde

Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones. ~ Joan Rivers

Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers. ~ Gerald F. Lieberman

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you’d have a hell of a lot of overlapping. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don’t understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to. ~ Helen Rowland

[and last but hardly least . . .]
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers. ~ Woody Allen

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.

I got divorced recently. It was a mixed marriage. I’m human, he’s Klingon.

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset I’m not a widow.

The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce.

According to ancient Jewish law, bad breath is grounds for divorce.

I make mistakes, I’ll be the second to admit it.

I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she will remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death.

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself Is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5000 Gideon Bibles.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years.

When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving: anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check.

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

I wasn’t actually divorced. I was traded.

When it comes to divorce, absence may not make the heart grow fonder, but it sure cuts down on the gunplay.

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed.

A lot of people ask me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I’m about $100,000 short.

Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.

For a while, we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

Love: the quest. Marriage: the conquest. Divorce: the inquest.

It’s hard to talk to divorced men, always sensitive from the divorce. They take things the wrong way. “Nice day, don’t you think?” “I don’t want to make a commitment.” “Want half of my ice cream?” “I don’t want half of anything anymore.”

Even as a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me … and no one showed up.

In our family we don’t divorce our men — we bury them.

Our parents got divorced when we were kids, and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and the car. We were all excited. My dad got some luggage.

A friend of mine recently divorced his wife after 37 years. He said he was looking for a same-sex relationship.

The only grounds for divorce in California are marriage.

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

Whoever said Marriage is a 50-50 proposition laid the foundation for more divorce fees than any other short sentence in our language. ~ Austin Elliot

She cried—and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. ~ Tommy Manville

A divorce lawyer is a chameleon with a law book. ~ Marvin Mitchelson

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing. ~ Craig Ferguson

In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers. ~ Garry Trudeau

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. ~ Johnny Carson

My mother always said don’t marry for money, divorce for money. ~ Wendy Liebman

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. ~ Shinichi Suzuki

Instead of getting married again, I’m just going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. ~ Lewis Grizzard

Do you know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it. ~ Henny Youngman

If you think you have trouble supporting a wife, try not supporting her. ~ Unknown

It was one of those ridiculous arrangements that couples make when they are separating, but before they are divorced—when they still imagine that children and property can be shared with more magnanimity than recrimination. ~ John Irving

You don’t know a woman till you’ve met her in court. ~ Norman Mailer

Americans, who make more of marrying for love than any other people, also break up more of their marriages, but the figure reflects not so much the failure of love as the determination of people not to live without it. ~ Morton Hunt

Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money, and divorce a matter of course. ~ Helen Rowland

Technology forced me to divorce a pixie and remarry a pixel. ~ Brian Celio

When two divorced people marry, four people get into bed. ~ Jewish Proverb

I try not to think of divorce as failing at marriage but rather winning at bitterness and resentment. ~ Unknown

I look at divorce this way: it’s better to have loved and lost than to live with that bitch for the rest of my life. ~ Steve McGrew

Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified. ~ J. B. Handelsman

I can’t get divorced because I’m a Catholic. Catholics don’t get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended. ~ Lenny Clarke