“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark and flew across the room.”– Steven Wright
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
“I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.”
“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.”
“‘Sleep is good’, he said, ‘and books are better.‘”
“I do things like getting in a taxi and say, ‘The library, and step on it.'”
“Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.”
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
“The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
“So many books, so little time.”
“I’m happy. Which often looks like crazy.”
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
Some people enjoy cooking for their families and their dogs. The grammar joke is that the commas ran away, leaving people to eat their families and dogs.
What do you say when you are comforting a grammar Nazi? There, Their, They’re.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
A word in this sentence is misspelled. What word is it? Misspelled?
A comma is a difference between “What is this thing called love?” and “What is this thing called, love?”
If the pen is mightier than the sword, then why do actions speak louder than words?
The exclamation mark said to the period: “Why aren’t you bleeding?”
What is a teacher’s favorite nation? Expla-nation.
What is the name of a bus you can never enter? A syllabus.
Given a choice of weapons with you sir, I should choose grammar. — Halliwell Hobbes
It was bittersweet and lovely how this thing called family could make you feel belonged, wanted and complete. — Diyar Harraz
The blue jay threads a flight-path through stripes of brightness and stripes of the mossy dark. — David Mitchell
I enjoy getting gussied up for an event or date night. — Olivia Wilde
Is there anyone … who will maintain that the Party System could have been created by people particularly fond of truth? — Gilbert K. Chesterton
A woman who is praying and a woman who is having fun, they both say ” Oh My God”, the only difference is how they pronounce it. — M.F. Moonzajer
Maybe, in the face of abandonment, we are all the same; maybe not even a very orderly mind can endure the discovery of not being loved. — Elena Ferrante
Routine is the housekeeper of inspiration — Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Not a single one of your ancestors died young. They all copulated at least once. — Richard Dawkins
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. — Lex Martin
If only one little unhappy child is made happy with the love of Jesus, … will it not be worth … giving all for that? — Mother Teresa
I know not everyone will like me, but this is who I am So if you don’t like it, Tough! — Britney Spears
I did some school plays in elementary school, but that was it. — Jason Mewes
Screw your courage to the sticking-place — William Shakespeare
Most often when I stammer That’s my brain Correcting my grammar. — Joyce Rachelle
The best way to predict the future is to create it. – Abraham Lincoln
You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. – C.S.Lewis
Many people say it’s easier to learn a language when you are young but there are advantages to learning a language when you are older.
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. – Gandhi
Learning is not a spectator sport. – D. Blocher
Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. – Lao Tzu
Today a reader, tomorrow a leader. – Margaret Fuller
Learning is like rowing upstream, not to advance is to drop back. – Chinese Proverb
There is no substitute for hard work. – Thomas Edison
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. – Mark Twain
If you can dream it, you can do it. – Walt Disney