Health & Medicine

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in daycare three times a week.

Examination of the genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid

The Allergists voted to scratch it.

The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The Psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The Radiologists could see right through it.

The Gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.”

The Paediatricians said, “Grow up!”

The Plastic Surgeon said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.

The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

…and could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! See a real Patient Participation Group.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. – Joey Bishop

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’. – Larry Brown

She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon. – Groucho Marx

I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. – Groucho Marx

The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure. – Voltaire

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. – Joan Rivers

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold. – Jerry Vale

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. – Samuel Goldwyn

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? – Paul Merton

Doctor : Are you on HRT? Patient : No, income support.

Overheard in Sunnyside Clinic, Fratton, as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client, ‘No Mrs Jones, not the HEARSE, I’m sending the NURSE.’

A consultant at St Mary’s Hospital, Portsmouth, England tells me that while passing through a frantic ENT [Ear, Nose and Throat] clinic, he overheard this curious bit of conversation:Senior surgeon (angrily) : ‘For goodness sake, nurse, get me my auriscope.’ [a medical device which is used to look into the ears].Distracted young nurse : ‘But doctor, I don’t even know your star sign.’

A former radiologist from Northern Ireland working at the Royal Belfast hospital tells that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman’s abdomen. Finding that her clothing was causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked, ‘Would you pull down your knickers, please? ‘The patient did nothing so he repeated the request. He then heard her say, ‘I’m so sorry, doctor. I thought you were talking to the nurse.’

While I was waiting to see the orthodontist at Queen Alexandra Hospital, a woman came out of his surgery smiling. Nodding to me, she said, ‘Thank goodness my work is completed. I’m so relieved to have found a painless dentist and one who’s so gentle and understanding too.’ When seated in the dentist’s chair, I related the incident to him. He laughed heartily and explained, ‘Oh, that was just my Mother.’

Federal Food and Drugs Act : Their aim is to promote purity and prevent adultery.

Venereal Disease Control: Sexual intercourse is a common practice among all people. Prostitutes should be registered and made civil servants.

Rheumatic Fever: It is much more common in the temporal zone.”

Carbon Monoxide Poisoning: If the amount breathed is not lethal, the patient has many of the symptoms of severe enema. He is usually flushed and has…

Control of Bovine Tuberculosis: All cows should have a patch test done.