“I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.” —George Burns (comedian)

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions of years before I was born and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience.” —Mark Twain (author)

“I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” —Woody Allen (comedian)

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.” —Dave Barry (author)

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” —Yogi Berra (baseball player)

“I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it—at my age, I’m very pleased to be anywhere.” —George Burns (comedian)

“The trouble with quotes about death is that 99.9% of them are made by people who are still alive.” —Joshua Burns

“All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.” —Lord Byron (poet)

“I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize that I’m listening to it.” —George Carlin (comedian)

“For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.” —Johnny Carson (talk show host)

“I am prepared to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” —Winston Churchill (politician)

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest to death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.” —George Carlin (comedian)

“Don’t send me flowers when I’m dead. If you like me, send them while I’m alive.” —Brian Clough (football team manager)

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” —Clarence Darrow (lawyer)

“Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.” —Susan Ertz (author)

“In this world, nothing can be certain, except death and taxes.” —Benjamin Franklin (inventor)

“Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful if it happens in that order.” —David Gerrold (author)

“Self-decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to attempt.” —WS Gilbert (dramatist)

“I bequeath my entire estate to my wife on the condition that she marries again. That will ensure there will be at least one man who will regret my death.” —Heinrich Heine (author)

“Fear of death increases in exact proportion to increase in wealth.” —Ernest Hemingway (author)

“It’s funny the way most people love the dead. Once you’re dead, you’re made for life.” —Jimi Hendrix (musician)

“Death will be a great relief, no more interviews.” —Katharine Hepburn (actress)

“Death is a delightful hiding place for weary men.” —Herodotus (historian)

“You know you’re old when the candles cost more than the cake.” —Bob Hope (comedian)

“Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.” —EW Howe (author)

“There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. The living are getting rarer.” —Eugene Lonesco (playwright)

“Dying is easy; it’s living that scares me to death.” —Annie Lennox (musician)

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.” —Sam Levenson (humorist)

“Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.” —Wilson Mizner (playwright)

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, especially if your teammates are bad guessers.” —Demetri Martin (comedian)

“I intend to live forever or die trying.” —Groucho Marx (comedian)

“Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.” —William Somerset Maugham (author)

“The art of dying graciously is nowhere advertised in spite of the fact that its market potential is great.” —Milton Mayer (author)

“At my age, I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there, I carry on as usual.” —Patrick Moore (astronomer)

“He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.” —HH Munro (author)

“My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn’t wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post-dated of course.” —Chic Murray (comedian)

“When I die, I hope to go to heaven, whatever the hell that is.” —Ayn Rand (author)

“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time congress meets.” —Will Rogers (actor)

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.” —Rita Rudner (comedian)

“When I die, I want my body to be donated for research, but more specifically, to a scientist who is working on bringing dead bodies back to life.” —Nikhil Saluja

“Immortality . . . a fate worse than death.” —Edgar A Shoaff (author)

“Death is a very narrow theme, but it reaches a wide audience.” —Socrates (philosopher)

“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” —Mark Twain (author)

“Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote’ so that on my deathbed, my last words could be ‘end quote.'” —Steven Wright (comedian)

“I like sleeping; it’s like death without the commitment.” —Unknown

“He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend . . . provided, of course, that he really is dead.” —Voltaire (philosopher)

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” —Norman Wisdom (comedian)

“I have lost friends, some by death, others through their sheer inability to cross the street.” —Virginia Woolf (author)

“When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.” —Steven Wright (comedian)

“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.” —Dave Barry (author)