“So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.'”

“It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that it’s work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”

“As I get older, I just prefer to knit.”

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

“You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to f**k it.”

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”

“Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping.”

“In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.”

“I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody’s face while we’re having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?”

“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”

“The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she’s shopping.”

“No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor.”

“Women fake orgasms and men fake finances.”

“My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don’t have sex—ever. Now that the milk is free, we’ve both become lactose intolerant.”

Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography.” (Robert Byrne)

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” (P. J. O’Rourke)

“A dirty book is rarely dusty.” ~ Anon.

“Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around.” ~ David Lodge

“Familiarity breeds contempt–and children.” ~ Mark Twain

“It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.” ~ Chinese Proverb

“Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” ~ George Burns

“I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

“I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.” ~ Groucho Marx

“My father told me all about the birds and the bees–the liar. I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.” ~ Bob Hope

“I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.” ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Anticipation makes the hard-on longer.” ~ Itsby Stevintary

“The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.” ~ Anon

“A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are.” ~ Victor Lownes

A nymphomaniac is someone who has more sex than you do.” ~ Alfred Kinsey

“Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

“A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: ‘because everything does.'” ~ Honor Tracy

“Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact.” ~ Marlene Dietrich

“Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.” ~ Jayne Mansfield

“Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.” ~ Aldous Huxley

“Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~ Anon

“Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.” ~ Anon

“I’m all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.” ~ Gore Vidal

“There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex–they should draw the line at goats.” ~ Elton John

“My girlfriend said to me in bed last night: ‘you’re a pervert.’ I said, ‘That’s a big word for a girl of nine.'” ~ Emo Philips

“Sex on television can’t hurt you, unless you fall off.” ~ Anon

“He in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least would have ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him.” ~ Henry Fielding

“I once knew a woman who offered her honor

So I honored her offer

And all night long I was on her and off her.” ~ Anon

“Be naughty–save Santa a trip.” ~ Anon

“I think I could fall madly in bed with you.” ~ Anon

“When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.” ~ Anon

“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.” ~ Brendan Francis

“Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.” ~ Lord Chesterfield

“Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.” ~ John Barrymore

“When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave.” ~ Anon

“Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply: lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

“An intellectual is a person who’s found one thing that’s more interesting than sex.” ~ Aldous Huxley

“There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.” ~ Billy Joel

“Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century, it was a disease; in the twentieth, it’s a cure.” ~ Thomas Szasz

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” ~ Lily Tomlin

“The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.” ~ Truman Capote

“How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches.” ~ Flash Rosenberg

“Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” ~ Butch Hancock

“Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t! ~ George Bernard Shaw

“I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.” ~ John Waters

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?” ~Rita Rudner

“The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there’s nobody to talk to during an orgasm.” ~Anon
“For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.” ~ Isabel Allende

“I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.” ~ Jay McInerney

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” ~ Billy Crystal

“Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

“Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.” ~ Barbara Cartland

“My wife is a sex object–every time I ask for sex, she objects.” ~ Les Dawson

“What’s the three words you never want to hear while making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!'” ~ Ken Hammond

“You know that look women get when they want sex? . . . Me neither.” ~ Steve Martin

“To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.” ~ Cary Grant

“When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.” ~ Matt Groening

“I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.” ~ J. Edgar Hoover

“Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection.” ~ Anon

“Pornography: That which excites, whether from approval or disapproval.” ~ Leonard Rossiter

“My reaction to porn films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live.” ~Erica Jong

“The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.” ~ Gloria Leonard

“What’s the difference between art and pornography? . . . a government grant! ~ Peter Griffin

“Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.” ~ Angela Lambert

“Pornography is in the loin of the beholder.” ~ Charles Rembar

“Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume?” ~ Richard Fleischer