Transport

Why Not Give Your Son A Motorcycle For His Last Birthday?

When I’m On A Plane, I Can Never Get My Seat To Recline More Than A Couple Of Centimetres, But The Guy In Front Of Me – His Seat Comes Back Far Enough For Me To Do Dental Work On Him.

Jumping Into The Sea Is A Certain Cure For Seasickness.

The Nice Thing About A Plane Crashing At An Air Show Is That They Always Have Good Video Footage Of The Actual Crash.

My Inclination To Go By Air Express Is Confirmed By The Crash They Had Yesterday, Which Will Make Them Careful In The Immediate Future.

I Always Sit In The Tail End Of A Plane, Always, ‘Cos You Never Hear Of A Plane Backing Into A Mountain.

The Ship Is Sinking. We Must Try And Save It. Help Me Get It Into The Lifeboat.

You Know The Oxygen On Airplanes? I Don’t Think There’s Really Any Oxygen. I Think They’re Just To Muffle The Screams.

If God Had Intended Us To Fly, He Would Have Made It Easier To Get To The Airport.

I Like Terra Firma. The More Firma, The Less Terra.

There Ought To Be A Requirement That Crying Babies Have To Go Into The Overhead Compartment.

I Knew I’d Chosen The Wrong Airline When The Flight Attendant Warned Us To Keep Our Hands And Arms Inside The Aircraft While It Was In Motion. The Airsick Bag Was Printed With The Lord’s Prayer.

Experts Say You’re More Likely To Get Hurt Crossing The Street Than You Are Flying, But That Doesn’t Make Me Feel Any Less Frightened Of Flying. If Anything, It Makes Me More Afraid Of Crossing The Street.

If God Had Intended Us To Fly, He Would Have Sent Us Tickets.

Airline Pilots Don’t Need Much Of An Excuse For A Celebration Drink. If It Isn’t Someone’s Birthday, They’ll Celebrate The Fact That All The Lifts In The Hotel Are Working.

Flying A Plane Is No Different From Riding A Bicycle. It’s Just A Lot Harder To Put Baseball Cards In The Spokes.

How Difficult Can It Be To Fly A Plane? I Mean, John Travolta Learned How.

Motto Of The Us Airline Industry: ‘We’re Hoping To Have A Motto Announcement In About An Hour.

Seasickness Comes In Two Stages – In The First, You’re Afraid You’re Going To Die, In The Second, You’re Afraid You’re Not Going To.

The Transatlantic Crossing Was So Rough That The Only Thing I Could Keep On My Stomach Was The First Mate.

A Girl Never Really Looks As Well She Does On Board A Steamship, Or Even A Yacht.

Being In A Ship Is Like Being In A Jail, With The Option Of Drowning.

Public Transport Should Be Avoided With Precisely The Same Zeal That One Accords Herpes Ll.

A Sure Cure For Seasickness Is To Sit Under A Tree.

When I’m On The Train, Why Do I Always End Up Sitting Next To The Woman Who’s Eating The Individual Fruit Pie By Sucking The Filling Out Through The Hole In The Middle?

Probably The Most Common Of All Antagonisms Arises From A Man Taking A Seat Beside You On A Train.

Sir, Saturday Morning, Although Recurring At Regular And Well-foreseen Intervals, Always Seems To Take This Railway Station By Surprise.

On Sunday, I Took A Train, Which Didn’t Seem To Want To Go To Newcastle.

So I Said To The Train Driver, ‘I Want To Go To Paris.’ He Said, ‘Eurostar?’ I Said, ‘Well, I’ve Done A Bit Of Telly, But I’m No Dean Martin.

If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off.

Did You Hear About The American Siamese Twins Who Came To England So That The Other One Could Drive?

I Went To Court For A Parking Ticket. I Pleaded Insanity. Steven Wright

A Car Is Just A Moving, Giant Handbag. You Never Have Actually To Carry Groceries, Or Dry Cleaning, Or Anything. You Can Have Five Pairs Of Shoes With You At All Times. Cynthia Helmet

Avoid Parking Tickets By Leaving Your Windscreen Wipers Turned To ‘Fast Wipe’ Whenever You Leave Your Car Parked Illegally. Top Tip, Viz

Stupidity Is Not A Handicap. Park Elsewhere. Anon

I’d Marry A Midget Just For The Handicapped Parking. Kathleen Madigan

The Slowest Drivers In The World Are Those People Who Are Getting Out Of The Parking Space You Want To Get Into. Miles Kington

When I Get Real Bored, I Like To Drive Downtown And Get A Great Parking Spot, Then Sit In My Car And Count How Many People Ask Me If I’m Leaving. Steven Wright

Robinson’s Law: The Guy You Beat Out Of A Prime Parking Space Is The One You Have To See For A Job Interview. Cal Robinson

Finding A Parking Space Is Like Going To A Prostitute: Why Pay For One When If You Apply Yourself You Can Get It For Free? George Costanza, Seinfeld

Parking Space: An Unoccupied Place On The Other Side Of The Street. Pete Hagan

I’ve Just Solved The Parking Problem. I Bought A Parked Car. Henny Youngman

The Quickest Way To Make A Red Light Turn Green Is To Try To Find Something In The Glove Compartment. Billy Connolly

I Heard Most Accidents Happen Within Five Miles Of Home, So I’ve Moved Ten Miles Away. Jenny Abrams

Parking Is Such Street Sorrow. Herb Caen

We Bought A Suzuki Jeep And The Wife Turned It Over. I Said, ‘How Did It Happen?’ She Said, ‘There Was A Pine Tree, And I Went To The Left And It Swung To The Left, I Went.

Caution: Water On Road During Rainroad Sign, USA

I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol. Steven Wright

Slow, No Hospitalroad Sign, USA

I Went Down To Campaign Against The Bypass Scheme, But I Got Stuck In Traffic. Harry Hill

What About Those Red Balls They Have On Car Aerials So You Can Spot Your Car In A Car Park. I Think All Cars Should Have Them. Homer Simpson

Anybody Going Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anybody Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac. George Carlin

Somebody Actually Complimented Me On My Driving Today. They Left A Note On The Windscreen, It Said, ‘Parking Fine’. Tommy Cooper

Save Money On Expensive Personalized Car Number Plates By Simply Changing Your Name To Match Your Existing Plate. STG 400H

That’s Okay, We Can Walk To The Kerb From Here. Woody Allen

My Licence Plate Says Pms. Nobody Cuts Me Up. Wendy Liebman

Driving Hasn’t Been The Same Since I Installed Funhouse Rear-view Mirrors. Steven Wright

I Think All Cars Should Have Car Phones In Them And Their Licence Plates Should Be Their Phone Number So You Can Call Them Up And Tell Them To Get The Hell Out Of The Way. John Mendoza

I Was Getting Into My Car, And This Bloke Says To Me, ‘Can You Give Me A Lift?’ I Said, ‘Sure, You Look Great, The World’s Your Oyster. Go For It. Tommy Cooper

Until You’ve Learned To Drive, You’ve Never Really Learned How To Swear. Robert Paul

A Motorist Is A Person Who, After Seeing A Serious Wreck, Drives Carefully For Several Blocks. Jane Pickens

A Pedestrian Is Someone Who Thought He Had Put Petrol In His Tank. Sam Levinson

My Father Told Me That If I Saw A Man In A Rolls-Royce, You Could Be Sure He Was Not A Gentleman Unless He Was A Chauffeur. Earl Of Arran

Whenever I Rent A Car, In Order To Cut Down On The Mileage Rate, I Reverse Everywhere. Woody Allen

What’s The Fastest Car In The World? A Rental Car. P.J. O’rourke

It’s Fast, My Cortina. You Could Drive 50 Miles For A Bag Of Chips In This Car And They’d Still He Warm When You Got Home. Rigsby, Rising Damp

Everywhere In Life Is Somewhere Else And You Get There In A Car. E.B. White

I Have Done Almost Every Human Activity Inside A Taxi Which Does Not Require Main Drainage. Alan Brien

I Phoned My Local Cab Firm And Said: ‘Can You Please Send Me A Big Fat Racist Bastard With A Personal Hygiene Problem Some Time Before I Have My Menopause? Jo Brand