“Babies are such a nice way to start people.” – Don Herrold

“It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily caused for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money.” – Elinor Goulding Smith

“Labour doesn’t end when the baby is born—that’s when it begins.” – Anonymous

“A baby is a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.” – Ronald Knox

“I can’t think why mothers love them. All babies do is leak at both ends.” – Douglas Feaver

“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” – Leo J. Burke

“Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.” – Matthew Broderick

“Make no mistake about why these babies are here—they are here to replace us.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Families with babies and families without babies, both feel sorry for each other.” – Ed How (paraphrased)

“There is only one most beautiful child in the world and every mother has it.” – Stephen Leacock

“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.” – Hodding Carter Jr.

“You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Anonymous

“Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now, I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester

“The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents.” – John J. Plomp

“A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn’t act that way very often.” – Anonymous

“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children.'” – Susan Savannah

“Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.” – P J O’Rourke

“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone to do it, or forbid your children from doing it.” – Monta Crane

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” – Franklin P. Jones

“Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.” – Roger Lewin

“The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed.” – Anonymous

“Definition of a boy: a noise with dirt on it.” – From Not Your Average Dictionary

“The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.” – Mel Lazarus

“I am fond of children—except boys.” – Lewis Carroll

“Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you reach it faster, too.” – Lionel Kaufman

“Never have children, only grandchildren.” – Gore Vidal

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” – Phyllis Diller

“Children are one-third of our population and all of our future.” – From the Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981

“If you can give your son or daughter only one gift, let it be enthusiasm.” – Bruce Barton

“Nature gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.” – William Galvin (paraphrased)

“Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.” – Anonymous

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” – Josh Billings

“I am not young enough to know everything.” – Oscar Wilde

“The young always have the same problem—how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.” – Quentin Crisp

“Teenagers complain there’s nothing to do, then stay out all night doing it.” – Bob Phillips

“A teenager is always too tired to hold a dishcloth, but never too tired to hold a phone.” – Anonymous

“There is nothing wrong with today’s teenager that twenty years won’t cure.” – Anonymous

“A boy becomes an adult three years before his parents think he does, and about two years after he thinks he does.” – Lewis B. Hershey

“Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.” – Haim Ginott

“The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.” – Jerry M. Wright

“After 30, your body has a mind of its own.” – Anonymous

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.” – Bob Hope

“Middle age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.” – Georges Clemenceau

“Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.” – Caryn Leschen

“Years ago we discovered the exact point, the dead center of middle age. It occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush to the net.” – Franklin Adams

“By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out.” – Anonymous

“Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that’ll get you home earlier.” – Dan Bennett

“The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.” – Doris Day

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” – Jennifer Yane