I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.

It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.

I’m actually not funny. I’m just mean and people think I’m joking.

If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.

I’m busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

I was wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don’t show.

I love rumors. I always find out amazing things about myself I never knew.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

If you don’t like me, take a nap, get a car, drive to hell. Have a nice trip.

Oh, my bad. I’m sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something.

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.

Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had the authority to judge me. Who are you? God?

Ignore me, I don’t care I’m used to it anyway, I’m invisible.

I love that super cute thing you do where you don’t text me back for hours, adorable.

I’m sorry if you don’t like my honesty, but to be fair, I don’t like your lies.

I’m sorry you were offended when I called you a hoe. I didn’t know it was a secret.

If lying was a job, I know some people who would be billionaires.

I may be drunk, miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Oh, I didn’t realize you’re an expert in my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

I am just so talented. I can listen to music and ignore you at the same time.

Excuse me miss, you’ve got a bit of face on your make-up.

Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?

Is your ass jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?

The last thing I want to do is hurt you… But it’s still on the list.

You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.

If common sense is common why are you without it?

Zombies eat brains, don’t worry, you’re safe.

Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

You sound better with your mouth closed.

I’d slap you but that would be animal abuse.

Without stupid people like you, we would have no one to laugh at. Thank you for your contribution to society.

Bitch, I’d kick you in the V, but I’m afraid I’d lose my shoe.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from Durex.

I would love to insult you, but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as your own genetics.

Somewhere out there is a tree working hard to replace the oxygen you wasted, now go apologize to it.

You are like the first piece of bread, everybody touches you but no one wants you.

You should eat some make-up, at least you’ll be pretty on the inside.

When your parents dropped you off at pre-school, they were arrested for littering.

I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and you, I would shoot you twice.

You have a face only a mother could love. I bet she tells you you’re special too.

Your mom should’ve swallowed.

Stupidity is not a crime, if it is, you’ll end up in jail.

I can remove 90% of your beauty with a wet tissue.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes, use birth control.

You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.

You’re so ugly, when you were born your mom said “What a treasure” and your dad said, “Let’s go bury it!”

Your life is useless, just like your dad’s condom.

Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?

The best part about me, is I’m not you.

I don’t hate you but I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.

Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown, blame yourself for going to the circus.

Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot I only exist when you need something.

Listen, I’m a nice person. So if I’m an asshole to you, you need to ask yourself why.

Don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else does.

I would like to confirm that I do not care.

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.

I’m sorry that my forced apology sounded insincere, I’ll try to make it more convincing next time.

I’m sorry for what I said when I wanted you to disappear.

I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you think I give a shit about your feelings.

I’m sorry if I behaved in a way that made you think I should apologize but I won’t because I know I didn’t do anything wrong.