“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.”

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

“At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”– Bertrand Russell

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope

“Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”– Bob Thaves

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”– Bryan White

“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”– Buddy Hackett

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”– Carl Sagan

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”– Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”– Casey Stengel

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”– Charles Lamb

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”– Charles M. Schulz

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”– Charles Wadsworth

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”– Charlie Chaplin

“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”– Charlton Heston

“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”– Christopher Morley

“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”– Chuck Palahniuk

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.”– Clarence Darrow

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”– Cullen Hightower

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”– Cynthia Heimel

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”– Dalai Lama

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”– Dale Carnegie

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”– Daniel J. Boorstin

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”– Dave Barry

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”– David Lee Roth

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”– David Letterman

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”– Demetri Martin

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”– Denis Waitley

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”– Desmond Morris